Many years ago, a friend of mine told me a story about when he was in high school. He was a “shrimp,” as he described himself, and was unable to defend himself against larger boys. There was a large upperclassman who would frequently beat him up. The kid would kick him, plop him into a locker, and clothesline him as he walked down the hallway. My friend lived with the constant fear of running into that kid.
Eventually, the upperclassman graduated, and my friend was able to have his senior year without worrying about being pummeled every time he walked down the hall. He grew to be six feet tall. After high school, my friend went into the military and quickly went to Vietnam. When he returned, he became an Army Drill Sergeant.
One day, he went to pick up a group of recruits fresh off the bus from civilian life – now standing on “the yellow footprints.” These were footprints painted on the cement where the recruits stood when they first got off the bus.
As my friend approached his new platoon of recruits, who was standing in the front row?
His old nemesis from high school.
My friend walked up to him and said, “Do you know who I am?”
The recruit looked straight ahead and said, “No, Drill Sergeant! I don’t.”
My friend said, “Well, you’re going to find out.”
He then told him that when the formation was over, he wanted him to meet him behind the building, pointing toward the mess hall.
When the appointed time came, my friend walked around behind the building. There stood the former bully, trembling, while trying to remain at attention.
My friend approached him and asked, “You’re sure you don’t know who I am?”
The recruit shakily repeated, “No, Drill Sergeant. I don’t.”
My friend explained who he was and their time together in high school.
The recruit’s response was simple.
“I’m sorry, Drill Sergeant. I don’t remember anything about you.”
My friend told me that was when he learned an important lesson. What had been such a significant part of his own life had apparently been almost meaningless to the person who had inflicted it.
The bully had not been thinking about my friend as a person. My friend had been the vulnerable kid who happened to be there.
That does not excuse what happened. Being bullied can leave lasting effects on the person who experiences it. But it does provide an important insight into dealing with a bully.
Sometimes, it isn’t about you.
That can be difficult to understand when you are the target. When someone repeatedly insults you, threatens you, embarrasses you, excludes you, or tries to make you look foolish, it is natural to ask yourself, “What have I done to deserve this?”
The answer may be nothing.
Bullies may have their own problems, insecurities, frustrations, fears, or need for control. They may have learned that intimidating other people gives them a sense of power. They may simply have learned a pattern of behavior that has worked for them in the past.
We cannot always know what is going on in another person’s life, and we should be careful about inventing explanations for their behavior. But we can recognize that their behavior does not necessarily define our value.
That is an important first step in dealing with a bully.
The next step is to stop giving the bully control over the way you see yourself.
If someone tells you that you are stupid, that does not make you stupid. If someone constantly criticizes your work, that does not automatically mean your work is poor. If someone tries to embarrass you in front of other people, their behavior tells us something about how they are choosing to behave. It does not establish your worth.
That does not mean you simply ignore bullying.
There are times when the appropriate response is to confront the behavior directly. There are times when you need to establish a boundary. There are times when you need to document what is happening and involve someone with the authority to intervene. In a workplace, that might mean a supervisor, human resources, or another appropriate organizational resource. In a school, it may mean involving a teacher, counselor, administrator, or parent.
And when there is a threat of physical violence, the issue becomes one of safety. Getting yourself out of danger and seeking appropriate help is more important than proving that you can stand up to the bully.
One of the mistakes we sometimes make is believing that dealing with a bully means defeating the bully.
It doesn’t.
The objective is to stop the behavior and protect yourself, your dignity, and your ability to function.
My friend’s story also reminds us of something else. People change. Circumstances change. Relationships change. The person who frightened you years ago may not even remember what happened.
But you may remember it.
That is why dealing with a bully is not only about what you do with the bully. It is also about what you do with the experience.
You don’t have to carry the bully with you for the rest of your life.
You can learn from what happened. You can become more aware of vulnerable people around you. You can become more willing to speak up when someone is being mistreated. You can develop the confidence to establish boundaries. And you can refuse to allow someone else’s behavior to become the definition of who you are.
Sometimes, the most important step in dealing with a bully is recognizing that the bully does not get to determine your value.
That decision belongs to you.
I want you to think on this observation from my own life: I have never met a bully who wasn’t a coward.
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Author’s Note: The content provided in this article is designed exclusively for educational and informational purposes, reflecting opinions shaped by decades of leadership training and organizational consulting experience. It should never be interpreted as formal professional advice. By reading or engaging with this material, you acknowledge that no professional-client relationship is established and that these insights do not substitute for tailored guidance from a qualified professional familiar with your specific circumstances. Consequently, readers are strongly advised to seek independent counsel from licensed legal, financial, medical, or other appropriate advisors before implementing any strategies or making decisions based on these perspectives. Ultimately, you assume full personal responsibility for any actions you choose to take or omit as a result of reading this material, releasing the author and publisher from any liability for outcomes arising from your reliance on the text.
